Moving Forward..Burning Days

The next two weeks are going to be crazy for me as I am working every day nonstop until 11/20/18. Everyone is hollering at me to get some rest. LOL - My response is sleep is for pussies and I will sleep when I am dead..All kidding aside, this is going to be a time I REALLY need to watch and make sure I take extra steps to do my self care to get through this busy time.

So much going on, with traveling every other week on my consulting day job, managing Phoenix, my circle and balancing clients, I may put some folks out when I say "NO". In the midst of all of this, I need to pack up my house, get ready to move and find a place to live before the end of the year. THANK YOU GOD, for the amazing support system I have and beloved friends/ chosen family who have offered to help with this. It will all get done..like my godmom says, " Just float in the current, it will happen." - Mom is wise, that one. I am trying..but damn, this is HARD. I do not like just allowing shit to happen. I need to control things dammit..lol. ;)

Building a new life is hard. My old dreams of being a wife, having a home, being somewhat mundane with someone I loved, and overall just feeling safe and having a partner are OVER. I am on my own. Whether I like it or not, I need to come up with a new vision and new mission for myself. Two failed marriages and now, two failed engagements, I get the fact I am self reliant, very independent and should do life on my own if I have to. My problem? I enjoy and relish being in relationship with someone. I make a great wife and/or girlfriend. I throw everything I have into it and that is my problem..I forget to take care of myself in the equation which sometimes leads down a very dark road and hard to recover from when things end. As I learned from this last relationship looking back? I can see this is an old pattern established when I was very young and an old family pattern women in my family have done for generations. I am the one to break that chain of dysfunction.

Scary ain't it.

I am fine on my own. I can do by myself and take care of myself through hard times. I have been there and done that. The t-shirt is a bit ragged but I got it..lol. Now is time for me to figure out a NEW way of doing this "alone thing". I long with all my heart for an equitable relationship with someone. I am grateful for all the lessons learned from my previous relationships...but I wonder if it will ever be "my turn" to experience that again. 2017, I thought was the beginning of me having my place at the table of "equitable partnership"...boy was I wrong on that one. One nervous breakdown, a major health scare and thousands of dollars later, I know it is not my time. I still have hope..but in the meantime, I am going to move forward and build an empire where I am Queen. The Supreme Ruler of the Land of Shae. I have one cornerstone to start building off of- and that is my psychic work and Phoenix. It is from this I will rise and be reborn into something new and a greater vision of myself..what the eff that looks like? No clue..right now? I know I am burning away all the old stuff. And like we say in our circle,

"A Phoenix is still a Phoenix even on a burning day."

So if you smell smoke or see fire around me, it is okay. That is just where I am at right now. Burning... I have SO MANY good things going on for me professionally right now, I am blessed beyond belief.

Working on the inside, repairing the broken places and putting together this new puzzle of my life is proving to be the challenge of a lifetime. Quitting and failure are not part of my vocabulary. I will persevere. Every day I have a win. No doubt, the coming days will be challenging. I hate big change. My Taurus nature coming into play there folks...LOL..But, my good brain days are happening more frequently than bad brain days. I am grateful for that. For a very long time, I lived in the dark. I did not tell anyone about it, nor was I aware I was in the damn dark until things shattered and I got a major reality check I was in serious trouble and deep in the shadows.

I am a fan of fire. It is my favorite medium to work with magically and I have a talent for it. I enjoy watching things burn and starting fires. I have the gift of fire, a spiritual teacher once told me. I could start a fire in any circumstance and create heat. And where there is heat, she said, there is life. I guess what I am trying to say is I burned my old house of who I was down to the foundation and now am rebuilding a new one. Old stuff and old ways, I simply blow up with fire to get them out of my way of progress. IE I am burning my way towards a new life and new way of thinking.

The only way through obstacles is to go through them taking whatever means you have to get through it. Blowing shit up seems to be my thing these days. Like the workers who blew away tons of rock through the Iron Mountains to make the way for a new highway in SE Missouri? I am doing the same in my own life. Using that dynamite wisely. I wouldn't want a rock to smash you as I move forward. .Look out for flying debris, okay? You've been warned... *wink*

Much Love - Shae